Monday, December 10, 2007

~My daughter Nikki April 28, 1973 - Dec 10, 2003~


Nikki's Annie doll & tattered quilt
This is about my precious youngest daughter Nikki. She was born a beautiful healthy child on April 28, 1973. 3 days before her 3rd birthday something went wrong and she started to seizure. We immediately rushed her to the ER where she was admitted to the hospital. Next day she was rushed by ambulance with a nurse, her pediatrician and me by her side to Children's hospital miles away. A ride I will never forget... A team of Doctors awaited our arrival. Some Doctors asked me questions others talk to the pediatrician and yet others attended to Nikki. She was put into ICU there she slipped into a coma having one grand mal seizure after another. For almost 6 weeks she was close to death as she continued to seizure. Test after test were done to try and find out what caused the seizures, nothing could be found. They tried many medications to stop the seizures and to bring her out of the coma. They even brought in a team of anesthesiologists to put her under in hopes of stopping the seizures. Doctor after doctor came to her care. When she finally did emerged from her coma she was severally brain damaged and no longer the happy Nikki we once knew.. her sweet smile was gone. My (then) husband and my happy little world was shattered. Our lives would never be the same. One of the ICU nurses told us when Nikki was in her coma she would be better off dead. I was shocked, furious at her cruelness and I told her so....but now as I look back I know why she said that. She knew the pain and suffering our Nikki would go through for the rest of her life. Nikki spent many days in many hospitals on many medications. I gave her injections and a special diet. We spent 2 weeks at the Cleveland Clinic preparing for a special MCT diet. Doctors tried new experimental drugs not yet released to the public on Nikki. She received hundreds of painful IVs. We rushed her many times to the ER at Children's Hospital 35 miles away. Eventually to try to keep Nikki out of the hospital I begged her Doctors to please let the IVs she needed to be administrated at home. They said it was not possible, it could not be done. With much persistence I called our local visiting Nurses to ask if they could help. They talked with the Pediatrician and Pediatric neurologist, they then agree to set up her IVs in my home. At home I then monitored her IVs and care when she needed to be hydrated. This allowed me not only to keep Nikki at home but to also be with my two other daughters who needed me...On Dec 10, 2003 the darkest day of our lives came. When Nikki was at school she had a sudden cardiac arrested, she died before they could get her to the hospital for help. The doctors had said that one day Nikki's heart would just give out. I NEVER gave it a thought or had I believed this could happen. So today on the 4th anniversary of Nikki's death I miss her more them ever. The tears are streaming down my cheeks as I think about Nikki's life and all she went through. I know she's in a much better place but I'm selfish and want her here with me. My life has not or will it ever be the same. The depression and sadness are unbearable right now. Please say a prayer for Nikki. Enjoy every day you have with your loved ones, do not take for granted they will outlive you. God bless you ~Mary~

54 comments:

Dana said...

Sending you lots of hugs, and prayers! You are in my thoughts on this day...


Dana
d07@goldingers.com

Lori said...

Mary, My best friends son was killed by a drunk driver at sixteen years of age. I also seen my Mom who's heart broke when her son at 40 and then her daughter at 48 pass away. There is no loss greater then the loss of your child. The saddness forever present in a mothers eyes, the glimmer your eyes once felt fades away. I have not lost a child but I understand the pain and helplessness you feel is beyond words. I prayed for you to have a warm heart full of memories to help soothe your pain, you must remember she will always be at your side, let her live in the love you share you with your other children and the memories you'll keep of her forever. You did a remarkable job and you know she thanks you for being the wonderful Mother you are. My you find peace in your prayers this season. Sending my love to you, Lori

~Becca~Bluebird Rose said...

Thank you for sharing your precious Nikki with us.
I too know the sadness of losing a child. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

jeriray07@verizon.net said...

I'm sending warm thoughts and prayers your way to help you in this extreme time of grieving...I am a regular reader of your blog, enjoy it immensely...thanks for sharing and I can only hope that by sharing, you are afforded a small bit of confort.

Joyce said...

Oh Sweet Mary.... I am so, so very sorry. I know what a tough time of year this is... We know they are still with us, but not being able to just reach out and hold them is so very hard...I wish I had a magic wand to just wave and take away your pain. I am so sorry hon. Please know I am here if you need to talk, and I always keep you in my prayers... sending healing prayers and Christmas hugs...

The Rose Room said...

Dear Mary, bless you and bless dear Nikki. You poor, poor people. My heart is breaking for you. I am sure each year your grief is just as raw as the year before. Your story is a mothers nightmare. At least you got to have her for a little while. She's now singing with the angels. Take Care of Yourself - Rachael

Mary said...

Dear Sweet Mary, I am thinking of you and your family today with a sad heart. Nikki's doll and blanket are so sweet. It is good to talk and remember her with love today,even if it is hard. Thank You for sharing Nikki's life today. I love you sweet friend.Me

Stephanie said...

Dear Mary, what a loving & beautiful tribute to your precious Nikki. Her doll & quilt are treasures. Hold your memories of her close to your heart always & know that we are praying for you for comfort & peace.

God bless you for sharing your memories of Nikki with us today.

Huge Hugs from TX,
Stephanie
Angelic Accents

Sharon Kay said...

Mary, My heart goes out to you each and every day but today is a forever memory that will always be with you like it was yesterday. Nikke is with you each and every day in spirit and love.

Jan said...

My dear Mary,

I never knew Nikki's story. Thank you for sharing it with us today. I know how hard that must have been for you.

I KNOW that we will all be together someday, you and Nikki, My darling sister and me. It's a promise we can count on and think about when it gets tough.

You'll always be her mother.

Love and prayers,
Jan

Mary said...

Mary dear - thank you for sharing the story of your lovely Nikki. She left you too soon, much too soon, however she always knew how much you loved her by all you did for her. My love goes out to you today. I pray you are coping by remembering the good times you and Nikki shared all those difficult years.
Sending love - Mary.

Lori @ Katies Rose Cottage said...

Mary ~ I am so sorry for your pain ~ you are such a precious lady and I hate for you to have to feel this everyday ~ I am glad that you told us about your daughter today ~ I remember when I first met you on ebay and heard about Nikki ~
Lots of hugs and prayers Mary !
Lori

Alison Gibbs said...

Mary, my thoughts are with you on this sad day.
Remember the fun times you had with Nikki before she had her first seizure.
They say time heals but I don't think so - we carry our memories and pain forever. Maybe the pain isn't so deep but it is still there.
My Mum has been gone 15 years and it still seems like yesterday. And as you know we just recently lost my father-in-law.
Take care.
Alison

Angie said...

Oh Mary, there are tears in my eyes for your loss. Thanks for sharing with us. You and your family are in my prayers.

Angie

Shelley said...

Oh Mary, I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet daughter Nikki !Such a sad thing to happen to her and your family. My grandson Austin, was put into a enduced coma when he was six after he had complications from being put under to have teeth pulled . After two weeks when they brought him out he didn't know us and had very slow brain activity. We were so afraid this was going to be permanate and my daughter , Regina, was about to lose it. After much , much prayer he started to come back to himself. We believe we recieved a miracle that day ! The doctors had no explanation for it. I can't begin to tell you the sadness I feel for you now. You are such a sweet person and how blessed Nikki is to have you for her Mom ! As well as your other children and grandchildren. You are in my prayers !

Blessings to you, Shelley

Dolly said...

Oh my dear sweet friend, I am sending you a virtual hug!

I am so sorry for your loss, but know that you were very blessed to have that time with Nikki.

My heart is hurting for you, I am so sorry that you are sad, especially this time of year!
I hope you find peace!

Hugz, Dolly

Mary Isabella said...

MaryMay our God wrap his arms around you today and hold you close to him. You are in my prayers. Mary

cityfarmer said...

Thank you thank you for insight into this precious life....as we lowered our 16 year old niece into the ground a month ago ( suicide) I never thought I had felt such pain...I now see the Mother's grief that I know my sister in law feels every day...it is so raw and fresh.....God bless you dear and you strive to help others and bear their burdens(Amy)

Michelle said...

Mary, I feel your pain and can't even imagine what you are going through. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Michelle

Joyce said...

Mary,
On your day of remembering your daughter Nikki's departure for Heaven, we celebrate my middle son's arrival on earth...his birthday.
Life's days are filled with arrivals and departures it seems.
Your loss is so large.... something that no parent ever wants to ever have to face.
I know it must be so hard at times, especially this time of year.
Just know that many people are praying for you.
Be blessed,
Joyce M. from Baton Rouge

bj said...

No greater loss.
My love to you, Mary...
bj

Jerri said...

Dear Mary:
Thank you for sharing your daughter's story with us. I did not know what happened to her, but always looked at her lovely picture on your blog.
jerri

Laura said...

You will keep the memory of your daughter alive with your inspiring blog. I am touched by your ability to share your pain with your readers. May you find strength in our prayers for you and your family. Pax.

The Urban Chic said...

Mary, I just returned from NYC, so I am late posting, but I did think of you on Monday since it was my anniversary and I didn't forget. Your post is touching and my heart hurts for you. What a beautiful tribute to your sweet Nicki. Hugs, Pat

Lallee said...

Thank you for sharing Nikki with us. What a blessing that she was in a family where she was well loved. Hugs to your and God's blessings.

Lallee

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry. I'm crying and feeling your pain if thats even poosible. No one knows what its like to lose a child unless theyve lived through it. Of course I'm praying for her Mama too!

a said...

Sweet little girl...I'm sorry that you have to live with this aching in your heart Mary. Thank you for sharing your babies story with me. I had always wondered what happened. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Mandy said...

Dear Mary,
I once found this beautiful poem on the internet:

If Roses grow in heaven,
Lord pick a bunch for me,
Place them in my loved once armes,
And tell them they're from me...

I also lost a loved one and it is very hard this time of year.
I wish you and your family all the best!!
Lots of hugs from Holland...

Cherub Kisses Boutique said...

Mary sweet Mary there are no words to express how I'm feeling after reading all that you have endured. I pray that God wraps His loving arms around you & envelops you with his love at this time. You & your sweet family will continue to be in my prayers.
Love, Dionne

red tin heart said...

I wish I was there to give you a hug. I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter. My Mother said there is no pain like losing a child and I believe her. She lost my sister 2 weeks after Christmas in a car wreck when Jody was only 19 years old. Then my brother was likked in a car wreck 7 years ago.
Love Nita

Jackie said...

On July 30th 1985 we kissed our daughter good bye. She was going to turn 7 that September. We miss her every day.

Krista loved to make new friends, and I firmly believe that she is in heaven greeting all those children who leave this world too early to play a game of tag, or perhaps T-ball, both games she loved.

Remember your Nikki, talk about her always and live in the knowledge that God has her in his keeping and you will see her soon.

God bless.

Counting Your Blessings said...

Father, fill Mary's heart and that of her family also with peace this season. Bring joy in small things for them - smiles at memories - ties that will bind them all to each other and to you. You alone turn our dark, sad days. Please hold Mary in your hand. -amen- Love to you, Mary... Polly

She'sSewPretty said...

Mary,
I can't say anything that everyone else has not already said. Please take care of yourself. It is so very sad when a parent outlives their child, but your sweet Nikki is free from pain now and she will always be in your heart. Bless you. XO

Nostalgia at the Stone House said...

Mary, my thoughts are also with you as you remember your special little daughter, Nikki.
Take care and I wish you and your family well for 2008.
Niki

cindy said...

My mother lost my brother when he was 5 years old, I was 2. I dont remember him, but I know there isnt a day that goes by that she doesnt think of him. God bless you and many many thoughts and prayers.

CONNIE W said...

Cyber-hugs to you...take care, my friend...Connie W

joan said...

I'm so sorry Mary. My prayers and thoughts are with you. I can't even imagine the pain you go through. Take care.

Scrappy Jessi said...

thank you for sharing such a personal post. my heart bleeds for you! we should not outlive our children! im sure she is your gaurdian angel, and is always with you!
seizure FREE!!!
Take care of you and you , and your family!
i will say a prayer for her today!
jessi nagy

Cathy said...

Mary,
I am so sorry for your loss. There can be nothing more painful than the loss of a child. Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and yours.

I'd like you to send you a link to a website that I find comfort in when times are tough in my life. I've found some comfort in watching this video and being reminded of God's love for all of us. Somethings we will never have the answers for, never know why they occurred; I feel this is one of those times. We just need to trust God and lean into his understanding, believing that he desires what is best for each of us. I hope you are able to find some comfort in this video as you remember Nikki and to take care of yourself.
http://www.fathersloveletter.com/fllvideos.html I hope this helps you find the comfort you need at this time. Sending you hugs and love,

Here's the link:

Gayla said...

Much love, hugs, and prayers. I know your broken heart is full of love. How sad.

Also, Mary, do you have any news from Amy? I am worried.

Ele at abitofpinkheaven said...

Mary, sending prayers for you. I hope you are able to enjoy the holidays and find some sort of peace.

Brenda said...

May God Bless you and your family. May peace flow through your home and know that God is with you.

nicky said...

I admire the courage that it must have taken to tell your story, thank-you for sharing it with us all. My thoughts are with you and your family and your story has made me apprciate the time i have with my loved ones which i so often take for granted,
Thank-you

SweetAnnee said...

Mary, your dear daughter Nikki is healthy and whole now. I know you are sad that she is not with you, but rejoice as she is with the Lord.
Bless you for being so kind to share with us. I pray that you will find peace in knowing God loves you and wants you to hand Him your sorrows.
fondly, from a mom..deena

Joy said...

My dear sweet Mary, my thoughts are with you during this very diffcult time. I know your heart must be breaking. I lost my brother 3 years ago in October and I swear that sometimes it gets worse as time goes by - not better. Time does not always heal all wounds.

I will say a special prayer for you tonight and keep you in my thoughts in prayers during this holiday season. I pray that God lifts your sadness as only He can do.

Love,
Joy

Genevieve Olsen said...

Oh, Mary I cannot imagine what you have been through,I will pray for Nikki. All that you have endured and you are still such a bright and beautiful influence on the world . Thank you for sharing.

Betty said...

Mary,
I know I don't know how you feel, but please know my heart feels for you...I can only imagine....well, maybe I can't even imagine.....

Remembering you in my thoughts and prayers....God Bless....Betty @ Country Charm

marylou said...

“Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.”
Kevin Arnold quotes
Dear Bella,
There are truly no words of comfort I can offer you other this: there are many, many of us who feel your sorrow and loss and wish we could take the hurtful weight off your shoulders. Keep your memories and hold them close as you do, we will all assemble one day together in his Kingdom.
Sending you humble prayers that God may Lift you Up and Hold you Tightly to ease your pain.
Always with love, Marylou

bj said...

Dear Mary, I just want you to know I am thinking of you and holding you up in my prayers.
Your friend, bj

Donetta said...

Dear one, Sweet Nikki is at the right hand of God right now... Saying prayers for you both day and night. This is the promise of the Word of God , The scripture gives us this hope and trust. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain of your loneliness. Wishing But to offer you comfort.
Donetta
Be Embraced

Amy Wagner said...

My sweet Mary, I pray for you and know that you will be again united one day with Nikki where she is now with the angels living a carefree, pain free life. What a special greeting you will receive some day at the pearly gates for your reward of being an angel mother on Earth all those years for your precious daughter. It's ok to shed tears- they are a healing medicine for your soul.
Amy

Sweet Remembrance said...

Mary...I can't begin to tell you how heavy my heart is for you and your family!
I am so very sorry and I send you love, strength and prayers.
Your friend,
Priscilla

Rosemary said...

Dear Mary,
Oh dear, I am so sorry for you and your precious daughter, Nikki. I had such goosebumps reading your story. How lucky she was to have you, such a wonderful and caring mother. I will say a special prayer for your darling daughter, God Bless her and take the best care of her. Hugs~Rosemary

kathyann said...

Mary Thank you for sharing with us the tragic loss of your precious daughter Nikki.I said a prayer for you and for everyone who is suffering for one reason or another at this time of year.My dad died at 6.20 on Christmas morning 16 years ago today and each year I think I will cope but it doesn't get any easier,God Bless you and your family and forever keep Nikki safe in his arms.from Kathyann at meg's mum's muffins